I just can’t get by with one weird holiday items blog post a year. Plus, it’s been two months since my last post, and that’s a cardinal sin in blogland.

So, with the latest snow storm swirling outside and in the spirit of cold-induced procrastination (Read: I don’t want to go outside), here are some of the oddest Valentine’s Day gift options I could find on the interwebs today. Sadly, it wasn’t that hard.

1. Protein Panties?

First of all, a Google search for ‘weird Valentine’s Day gifts’ actually returns a disturbing amount of items for the kinkiest of fetishists out there. Meaning you’re not so much into feet or whips and chains as you are in naughty knitting or penis-shaped cakes. In an effort to pick just one of this type of gift choices, I’ve gone with Brief Jerky, because the name is genius and I’m a sucker for anything featuring smoked meat. If you follow that link, there’s even a DIY how-to.

2. Points for Fundraising

Kudos to the Bronx Zoo for trying a holiday-themed money-maker for their important nonprofit, but they might have picked an animal slightly more cute and cuddly for adoption than a Madagascar Hissing Roach. Seriously, naming a star in the galaxy after your beloved is so last century. Over-sized insects are the ‘I love you’ of the future.

3. 12 Steps to Love

I can actually think of a few people in my life who would legitimately love this gift, and it is rather creative and crafty. Forget the cookies, candy bars, or —  horror — actual flowers… give a booze bouquet. Fun fact… this idea comes to you from the hallowed halls of Illinois State University.

4. Eat my Face

If you’re still hoping to give a traditional present with a twist, there are chocolates molded into just about anything available out there. Really – think of the weirdest item you can and Google it along with the word ‘chocolate’ and you’ll find it. Here’s my latest favorite — Chocolate made to look like you and your partner’s faces. It’s a great idea, if not a little self-involved… aside though: is it me or does the couple in the photo below look like they’re experiencing some sort of allergic reaction?

5. I Love You, Now Get to Work.

For the sweetie you hope to cajole into bringing home more bacon (and yes, there’s plenty of V-Day-themed bacon out there, too), might I suggest the handmade desk organizer. Points for the need to use power tools to make it, but couldn’t it at least be in the shape of a heart? Slackers.